Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
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He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
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The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
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