You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
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He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
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Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
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