i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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