it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
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I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
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I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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