I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
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