Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
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