every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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