Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
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While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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