You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
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Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
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My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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