I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
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he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
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In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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