the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
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nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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