So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
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That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
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I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
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