I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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