So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize