He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
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The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
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I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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