Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
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Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
And then he peed in my hair
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