there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
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Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
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Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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