no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
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Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
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Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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