I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
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