He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
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I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
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Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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