Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
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The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
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My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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