where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
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My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
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