your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
is wine microwaveable?
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All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
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Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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