i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize