We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
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So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
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I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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