I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
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it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
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He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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