Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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