Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
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So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
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I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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