your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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