God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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