I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
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I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
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Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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