omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I queefed so loud it echoed.
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Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
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They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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