I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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