what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
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It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
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Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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