now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
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Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
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I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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