I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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