His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
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So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I would fuck him just for his dog
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