And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
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Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
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Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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