When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Randomize