im about as happy as oj after his trial
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
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im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
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I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize