Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
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He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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