I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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