The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
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bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
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I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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