Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
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There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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