Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
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