Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
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Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
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Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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