He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
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yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
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Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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