i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
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the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
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The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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