so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
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Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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