I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
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Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I can feel your judgement through the phone
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
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